There's Something I Need To Say...


So...I'm going to say it, except its actually really hard to say. Or even type. Because I am scared of being judged. Scared that someone will tell me to pull myself together. Scared because people will tell me I should go to see a doctor, I am scared because I know there is something wrong. I know that I shouldn't be living my life feeling like a blur, feeling like I am living my life on the sidelines, just going through the motions of the day to day, just making it through alive with nothing to be excited about nothing that has made me smile...


Because I have 4 adorable monsters, whom I love dearly. But even when I think of them, I think of the negatives. Ellie and her pre-teen attitude. Jenson and him finding his self in the order of the house, meaning he is constantly pushing boundaries. Elsie and Evie who are desperate for me to be there not just in the room with them.

Do they know that I live in fear of the next 'kick off'? That my stomach is constantly in twists. That my hands are constantly shaking waiting...getting ready for the next thing they are going to start an argument or fight about. Do they see that I am so worried about what will become the next stress in my life that it gives me headaches? Headaches so bad that they blur my vision?


I wonder if the people I see every day, friends, family, teachers, have noticed? Have they noticed I know longer give a sh*t? Have they noticed I no longer care? Have they noticed that I don't take care of myself anymore? Have they noticed my up and down eating habits? Do they notice the bags under my eyes? Do they even know I exist?

Have my neighbours heard me? Thinking 'God all she does is shout!'. Do they notice that everything irritates me? To they know the sound of my own voice grates on me? Do they hear me crying through the walls at night? Do they hear me sobbing in the bathroom at lunchtime? 


Have the people who follow my Instagram noticed that my photos are negative and few and far between because I feel like I have nothing positive to show? Have the people that watch us on You Tube noticed that we haven't filmed much lately? Did they see the state of me in my last 'to camera' piece? Did they see the fake happiness as I tried to sound perky and upbeat? Did they notice that my hair was matted and uncared for?



One friend noticed. 

One friend  reached out. 

She told me she was worried. She could see herself in me. She had been 'here' ever so recently.

She told me what I already know. 

I need to go to the doctor.

I need to go and speak to someone. 

I need to not be worried about been judged. 

Apparently its not as bad as I fear. 

The doctors WONT judge. 

They will help. 

They will help me find my happiness again. They will help it all become less of a blur. They will help the brightness come back.


So for now I know there is brightness there, somewhere, but its a long way away.

First I need to take those first few steps.

The steps to saying the words.

The steps to picking up the phone.

The steps to asking for help.

The steps for admitting I am somewhat struggling. 

First I need to make THAT big first step.

The step where I say it out loud.

The part I am trying to avoid, even though I am sat here alone. 

It's just me and my laptop. 

There is no one to judge, at least not until I choose to hit publish.

So why is it so hard to say those few words. You all know what I mean, why can't I just say it...

It is the begining of February as I type this post, I wonder if I will ever click publish...

In fact, I wonder if I will ever finish writing this post. 

February 25th...

I'm suffering from depression 

And I think anxiety too. 

I think I need help.

There. 

I said it.

23 comments:

  1. Huge hugs lovely, you're already on the right path by speaking out and sharing it with people. I really hope the doctors can offer some help and support, you've got all of us in the blogging community behind you too xxx

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  2. Oh becky I'm so glad you have opened up about this instead of bottling it all up inside. Admitting to it really is the first step in making things better, honestly no one will judge you i promise. I hope the doctor was lovely & helped you see that. I too have been suffering depression & anxiety since j was born & it's awful but in getting better & you will too. Sending you lots of hugs & love xxx

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  3. Ah Becky,I haven't been to your blog much but felt compelled to read this post.I've been here-after feeling so down and truly couldn't be bothered to do anything at all,found myself sobbing my heart out once in Tesco just because I couldn't find the eggs and I knew then it was time to do something about it.The hardest part is admitting it and you've done that bit,it's a long road but in time you WILL start to feel better. xx

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  4. You are so brave writing this Becky and I love you for that. You've taken a big step in the right direction so congratulate yourself on that. It's going to get better. Sending hugs. xxx

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  5. What to say? You are so brave to publish this because you know you need to do something. I'm so glad that you've hit publish that you're reaching out to people who can help you so you are not alone. I cannot help, but someone will, much love and here if you need anything, you know that xxxxxx

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  6. You can do it Becky. We are all here for you xxxx

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  7. Sending you the biggest of hugs.
    You have taken the first step and put it out there that you need help.
    I really hope you go and see a doctor...
    No one will judge...Thinking of you xxx

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  8. Oh beautiful Becky. All these emotions you describe are so familiar. And you should be so proud of yourself for admitting them out load and for asking for help. That is the first step in getting your happy back. Also, talk to people. You won't be judged. But the people who love you will reach out and hug you. Lots of love and huge hugs Lucy xxxx

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  9. Becky, I know that you will come out the other side of this. I'll tell you why I know because you've already taken the hardest step of all - recognising the illness for what it is and accepting that you need help to kick it. That takes more courage than most people have. Hold on to that courage and step-by-step do the things you need to do to beat it, starting with making that appointment! The only person judging you is yourself because the illness is filling you with self-doubt and anxiety. I have never met you and so feel odd to say this, but I am very proud of you Becky. I have family member who has suffered with mental illness for his whole life - he is over 60 now and still doesn't have the courage to acknowledge any of it. Listen to your friend and go to the doctor. Don't put it off. Here for you x

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  10. Oh Becky sending huge hugs and zero judgement. I have PnD so I can totally understand the way you have been feeling and I hope you can seek help. There is no shame in that in fact seeking and accepting help is brave and will help you so much. Huge hugs and here if you need a chat love. You do so well you really do and are such a good mum,never forget that xxxx

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  11. Firstly- what a super friend you have for noticing & bringing it up with you. I suffer from anxiety & depression. One Christmas Day things got so bad I was on the phone to the Samaritans, twice! I was already on medication but the dose wasn't high enough. I have been on my new dose for just over a year & things are so different! I know this is your blog post but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone at all! You have hit publish and made the first big step- admittance. I know you didn't want to hear / read this but you need to go to the Drs. You will get so much support and understanding, you will feel instantly better. They can help you decide the route you want to take, CBT, counselling, medication, a change of your daily routine. I really feel for you and hope you haven't been suffering in silence for too long. Wishing you all the best & may you find your own happiness very soon xxx

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  12. I just want to reach through the laptop and give you a huge hug! I know exactly how to feel and it all became to much for me in January last year... It's tough to reach out for help, I didn't want to go to the doctors for fear they would think I was drug seeking, but they actually really helped. I still get days where I can't be bothered to even get out of bed, but blogging helps, my friends help and a new mindfulness course I started really helps.

    My advice would be to see what the doctors say and maybe find a counsellor of some sort. Don't blame yourself and don't think of yourself as a crap mum, you are doing brilliantly! Take time for yourself, even if it's only half an hour a day, it helps tremendously! I now go to meditation every day and it really helps to manage my stress levels.

    I know I don't know you, but if you ever feel you need to talk, I'd be more than happy to help you in any way that I can!

    Hope you get better soon :) Elanor xx

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  13. So sorry you are feeling this way - thank goodness for your friend who noticed the signs. Take care x

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  14. I hope things will get better for you now that you know and admit what is going on. Don't think others didn't notice, maybe they were too embarrassed to talk. Sometimes is hard to say something to somebody who might not be prepared or in the right state of mind. x

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  15. I grew up with a mum who was in and out of depression. I remember her crying late at nights. She is doing better now that she is getting help. You are one brave lady and I hope you all the best.

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  16. What an amazing friend you have and well done Becky, taking that first step to admit a problem is huge and you should be proud x

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  17. oh it's never easy! I feel very similar and am very anxious at times and often feel like i need help. I hope things can improve for you and you can learn to cope and manage better. I've been feeling very down in the dumps and unhappy and doing a lot of crying too. It's a scary place to be. Thinking of you! Angela x

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  18. Admitting is brave. Stay true to yourself always and strive to see the light at the end of the tunnel :) xx. Lots of love!

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  19. Thank you for being so brave and honest with us Becky. Your are on the right path. Thinking of you x

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  20. Aw huni, you are so brave and I'm so pleased that one of your friends noticed and gave you the push you needed. There's no need for you to be scared about being judged, it happens to the best of us and it's nobody's fault. Life is hard. Depression doesn't care how happy you were or how many children you have or how good your life is. It comes anyway and I know some people find it hard to understand but they need to try harder because it's real and it affects so many of us.
    I loved this post, so honest and brave, I hope you start to feel better soon X

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  21. Such a great post because your speaking out which is the first step and the most difficult x An appointment with the gp is next x Don't ever feel judged x I am a bipolar mum of 6 and my inbox is always open to chat or just listen x

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  22. Sophie's just woken so can only write a quick comment - you are so brave. Hope that the GP can help xx

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