There's Something I Need To Say...

So...I'm going to say it, except its actually really hard to say. Or even type. Because I am scared of being judged. Scared that someone will tell me to pull myself together. Scared because people will tell me I should go to see a doctor, I am scared because I know there is something wrong. I know that I shouldn't be living my life feeling like a blur, feeling like I am living my life on the sidelines, just going through the motions of the day to day, just making it through alive with nothing to be excited about nothing that has made me smile...

Because I have 4 adorable monsters, whom I love dearly. But even when I think of them, I think of the negatives. Ellie and her pre-teen attitude. Jenson and him finding his self in the order of the house, meaning he is constantly pushing boundaries. Elsie and Evie who are desperate for me to be there not just in the room with them.

Do they know that I live in fear of the next 'kick off'? That my stomach is constantly in twists. That my hands are constantly shaking waiting...getting ready for the next thing they are going to start an argument or fight about. Do they see that I am so worried about what will become the next stress in my life that it gives me headaches? Headaches so bad that they blur my vision?

I wonder if the people I see every day, friends, family, teachers, have noticed? Have they noticed I know longer give a sh*t? Have they noticed I no longer care? Have they noticed that I don't take care of myself anymore? Have they noticed my up and down eating habits? Do they notice the bags under my eyes? Do they even know I exist?

Have my neighbours heard me? Thinking 'God all she does is shout!'. Do they notice that everything irritates me? To they know the sound of my own voice grates on me? Do they hear me crying through the walls at night? Do they hear me sobbing in the bathroom at lunchtime? 

Have the people who follow my Instagram noticed that my photos are negative and few and far between because I feel like I have nothing positive to show? Have the people that watch us on You Tube noticed that we haven't filmed much lately? Did they see the state of me in my last 'to camera' piece? Did they see the fake happiness as I tried to sound perky and upbeat? Did they notice that my hair was matted and uncared for?

One friend noticed. 

One friend  reached out. 

She told me she was worried. She could see herself in me. She had been 'here' ever so recently.

She told me what I already know. 

I need to go to the doctor.

I need to go and speak to someone. 

I need to not be worried about been judged. 

Apparently its not as bad as I fear. 

The doctors WONT judge. 

They will help. 

They will help me find my happiness again. They will help it all become less of a blur. They will help the brightness come back.

So for now I know there is brightness there, somewhere, but its a long way away.

First I need to take those first few steps.

The steps to saying the words.

The steps to picking up the phone.

The steps to asking for help.

The steps for admitting I am somewhat struggling. 

First I need to make THAT big first step.

The step where I say it out loud.

The part I am trying to avoid, even though I am sat here alone. 

It's just me and my laptop. 

There is no one to judge, at least not until I choose to hit publish.

So why is it so hard to say those few words. You all know what I mean, why can't I just say it...

It is the begining of February as I type this post, I wonder if I will ever click publish...

In fact, I wonder if I will ever finish writing this post. 

February 25th...

I'm suffering from depression 

And I think anxiety too. 

I think I need help.


I said it.