15 Things To Do When Your An Exhausted Non New Mum.

For the last 10(ish) days I haven't slept, I have been running on empty (I would be running on coffee but it seems my post 4 kids body cant hold any liquid for longer than 5 minutes) but last night...well last night was special...last night was an all time low. Today I will be running on approximately 1.5 hours sleep...1.5 hours of broken sleep at that...

You see Evie was poorly last week so she obviously wasn't sleeping well, that I can kind of cope with. Then sometime in the last 10 days Elsie has decided she can no longer sleep though the night with out screaming. So I am pretty tired, its tough getting up to 1 waking child let alone 2. 

But tonight (last night) topped it...at around 10.15 Jenson woke up screeching, first he complained of a tummy ache...that didn't hurt his tummy (of course), then he complained of a headache...that didn't hurt his head...I was confused but managed to settle him back into a slumber and headed back of to bed.

10.35...he awakes screeching again. Apparently nothing hurts, he hasn't had a bad dream and he doesn't need the toilet...his screaming has woken Ellie and so I decide to put him in bed with me. From this moment he wakes up approximately every 30 minutes whining about nothing. 

And then at 1.30 Elsie decides she wants in on this game...also waking around every half an hour, just not every half hour that Jenson is awake...in effect meaning I have been up and down every 15 minutes or so. Or at least until my eyes hit that point of slumber when you are neither asleep nor are you awake...

The next part contains swearing, I apologise..I am very very tired and very cross...

And then at 4.30 this morning I lost it...I stood on the landing and screamed at the kids to just go to sleep sleep and stay asleep, I then screamed downstairs to the hubs, who had retreated to the sofa at around 11 o clock, that he was a fucking stupid b**tard..I may also have called him something along the lines of a, erm useless w*nker. Not my finest moment...but as I say I was cross at been left to do this difficult part of parenting alone.

From this moment I sat in my bed and sobbed, I sobbed for half an hour solid like an exhausted new Mummy of a newborn, before reaching for my Ipad and starting to write this post (originally called, quite simply, A Tired Mummy Rant). By the time I had finished my original rant (the post disapeared thanks to the shitness that is Blogger App on the Ipad!) it was heading to 6am, when my day would inevitably start with Evie waking up demanding breakfast and cbeebies on...which meant I was heading for Granny Murray doom...

Now this alone would be enough to piss any exhausted Mummy off, but I also had the knowledge that at some point this morning Dean would casually bring up that he was 'tired' after sleeping on the sofa all night, I knew I would have to bite my tongue.

Inevitably the tongue biting didn't happen because as I sat down to my cold coffee, after rushing around like a blue arsed fly all morning, I exploded with infuriation as he sat there with his tablet, leisurely browsing the interweb after his casual cigarette outside, and I did, as I wrote in my original post LOSE MY SHIT at him! Because if he truly was awake all night why was I the only one up with the kids? Why didn't he help me once? 

This then led to me coming up with these 15 top tips for tired non-new Mum's...


1. Whilst toddler is embroiled in Granny Murray doom, sneak of to the kitchen and scoff the stashed packet of chocolate hob nobs, no one needs GM's chirpiness at 6am on no sleep. You could eat a donut or 3 but believe me you will want these later..around mid morning when the kids have reduced you to tears..again.

2. Fill the coffee machine, if you have one, it was made for days like this. Just be sure in your exhaustion you grab the Kenco and don't grab the posh jar of Bisto that the hubby has kindly put away in the wrong place. Arsehole.

3. Drink that first coffee on the toilet, a) you get it whilst it warm and b) it's 1 less job seeing as it is inevitable that within seconds of drinking it your gonna be pissing like a race horse.

4. Shove some sausages and frozen veg in the slow cooker...you cant be arsed to cook now let alone in 9 hours when its actually tea time. 

5. Seek out all the 'bad' snacks, boxes of mini smarties, chuppa chubs, milky ways etc...they will all come in handy later on when you are past the point of trying to bargain with 2 toddlers to tidy up the shit tip that is your living room. Bribery will be needed.

6. Hide all the drawing implements. Its a sure thing that you will doze off during Mr Tumble and will awake to a newly decorated living room and a sofa that now has patterns. But it wasn't the toddler...even though she looks like hulk with a green face that matches the green scribbles swirls on the sofa. 


7. Ignore all comments left on your obligatory ''I'm knackered'' Facebook status telling you to ''catch some shut eye when they nap huni'' DO NOT be lulled into a false sense of security. They are NOT going to nap, at least not together or before falling asleep on the floor at 2.42pm. 


8. Find someone to do the afternoon school run in the morning...NOT at 2.43pm, when the world and his dog knows you want the school run favor and ignore their phone on purpose!

9. Let the useless w*nker know he can redeem himself by bringing a bottle of wine home with him after work.

10. Let the useless w*nker also know he can further redeem himself by being home on time NOT ONE SECOND LATE even though the supermarket to buy your wine from is 15 miles in the opposite direction and is a bitch to get to during rush hour!

11. Make sure he also brings home paper plates and plastic cutlery, you cant be arsed with washing up tonight. Oh and whilst he is at it some straws...why dirty a glass when you can drink from the bottle. 

12. Get the spare bed set ready...he WILL be late.

13. Hunt out the baby wipes...bath times a no no tonight. 

14. Put the clock forward an hour...since the preschooler now knows what the clock looks like at breakfast time, lunchtime and bed time (clever shit) your gonna have to fool him!

15. Open wine, take a swig and fall asleep on the sofa..after all its only 6.30 (you put the clock forward remember) and they don't wake up until at least 10pm...

At least they erm usually do...

15 comments:

  1. Oh no! What a night! I hope you manage a nap today! I would have lost it too...
    hehehe! Great tips x

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  2. oh my god! sorry to laugh at your expense but this is just SO BLOODY FUNNY! you should be on stage xxxx

    Hope things have got a little better for you lovely x

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  3. Oh bless you. I have been know to lock myself in the bathroom to have my morning coffee #PoCoLo

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  4. Still love this Becky, even knackered your wit is BRILLIANT! Thanks for linking with #effitfriday

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  5. Haha love this so funny and the most important is of course....number 15!!! #effitfriday

    motherhoodtherealdeal.com

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  6. oh I had to laugh, I have been here soooo many times, in fact last night Nancy slept through but I felt like utter shit as I haven't had a full nights sleep for something like 2 years! and today, saturday, she gets up before 7am just to taunt me when yesterday I had to use a megaphone to get up her for 8am when I was late for work! If all else fails I rely on snacks, chocolate and cbeebies and weeping xx #thelist

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  7. I am really late today and I am still trying to function like a normal person. So I went our with my son for he is learning how to bike and consistency is needed for him to learn so we went out but in my heart I want to stay home and rest. Few minutes before I am crying because I feel flat on my face and I have bruise all over. I just really fell. Nothing in there to trip on to. Just really tired. I shouldnt have gone out =P

    #pocolo

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  8. I did laugh when you said about the other half moaning he had to sleep on the settee!Mine is exactly the same,will swan around at 10am scratchIng his arse and moaning what a terrible nights sleep it was and would I mind if he had an hour?If you want to be bludgeoned with a baseball bat be my guest mate 😡 At least you see the humour in it though x

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  9. Oh god hun! Sounds like they really tag teamed you... little monkies. And your too nice, if my other half did that he'd be sleeping in the shed xx

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  10. Genius!!! Love this. You made me feel normal. I too shot on occasions. Can't swear at ex but I do swear about him. Granny Murray is great for when you need a biscuit! Excellent post Hun. Xxx

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  11. oh gosh what a night my kids are being nightmares lately too my 2 year old has started being sick every time we put her to bed then my 9 month old wakes for bottles during the night and is wide awake at 4.30 every sodding morning. And of course the other half sleeps through it all as he needs his sleep for work and is always buggering off to have a tab then he dissapears for half an hour talking to the neighbours, i hate him sometimes. Roll on Britmums next week we will both actually get a full night sleep and our other halfs will have to deal with the kids haha xx

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  12. Its the same in my house but without the screaming! Hugs xx

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  13. The newborn phase has nothing on this! Your list is brilliant and so many made me laugh out loud!

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  14. yes yes yes. Sleep deprivation is truly awful, you have my sympathies! x x

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  15. Oh gosh, as much as I am sorry about your misfortune, I love this post, brilliant! x

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